Gir Sings the Cheeseburger Song
by OhHowDelightfullyDreadful
Summary: CONTINUED! Zim is gone for the night, and Gir feels the need to express himself to no one in particular through song and dance. With things ever be the same? Definitly no real romance. I do not own Invader Zim.
1. The Cheeseburger Song

_**AN: I must admit that I do not own Gir or the Cheeseburger song. You all know who Gir belongs to, and the Cheeseburger Song, whether that is it's actual name is or not, belongs to Big Idea Studios. I found it very appropriate for the occasion.**_

Tonight is one of those where master goes away for a while to beat da big-head-boy. I get to be all by myself and do whateeever I want. What do I wanna do? I don't wanna play with piggy cause he's still mad about "the incident," and I don't want to make waffles cause nobody's 'round to eat 'em. Plus, I'm not aloud to break stuff. I don't know why, but when I asked, master was all like "cause I said so." So I guess that's why I'm not supposed to.

When I get bored, I watch TV, and I get happy again. Just watch... I turn on the TV... see? Happy! Ooh I like this show. I think it's called... Pop Psychology for Psychos? It's when this lady talks to people to make them _feeeeeel _better.

_ Dr. Quinzel sits with her patient, Ann, to talk with her about her strange obsessions._

_Dr. Quinzel: So you have these strange obsessions that you rant about even though no one cares about them, right?_

_Ann: What are you saying? That no one cares about what I have to say?_

_Dr. Quinzel: Yes._

_Ann: Pfft, figures. Some psychologist you are._

_Dr. Quinzel: Do you enjoy the things that you rant about?_

_Ann: I don't rant! And yes. Yes I do._

_Dr. Quinzel:Then you must feel strongly about them! Perhaps you're in love with them?_

_Ann: Ew! You're sicker then the guy on last night's show! _

_Dr. Quinzel: Perhaps you feel that by ranting, you are expressing your love for the things you obsess about?_

_Ann: Did you even hear what I just said?_

_Dr. Quinzel: Perhaps you need another way to express your love?_

_Ann: What the heck is wrong with you? Your so oblivious! Crazier then I am! Who taught you psychology? Who gave you a show? WHO IS YOUR MOTHER? I need to yell at them for producing such a failure!_

_Dr. Quinzel: In cases like yours, song and dance are often better solutions then bugging people about stuff they don't care about._

_Ann: Aren't psychologists supposed to make me feel like they're listening to me?_

_Dr. Quinzel: Fear not, for I have found the solution to your horrible insanity so that people will finally understand your feelings! You need to sing and dance more!_

_Ann: I'M _**FEELING**_ HATRED! TOWARDS YOU!_

_Dr. Quinzel: Ah, yelling. Yelling is a sign of anger or stress. Are you angry or stressed right now?_

_Ann: I'm leaving._

I giggled and switch off the TV. OH! I just thought of somethin' fun to do! The doctor lady said to sing and dance, so I will! I will sing and dance to express meh _fffffeeeeelings_ about something I love! Here I go!

_I said to her 'I'd like a cheeseburger_

_ and I might like a milkshake as well.'_

_ She said to me 'I can't give you either,'_

_ and I said 'Isn't this Burger Bell?'_

_ She said 'Yes it is, but we're closed now._

_ But we open tomorrow at ten.' I said_

_ 'I am extremely hungry, but I guess I can_

_ wait until theeeeeeen!'_

_ Cuz you're my cheeseburger!_

_ My tasty cheeseburger! _

_ I'll wait for you-oo! _

_ Yeah, I'll wait for you-oo!_

_ Don't be too long,cheeseburger! _

_ My tasty cheeseburger!_

_ I'll wait for you-oo!_

_ Oh, I will wait for yoooooou._

_ I stayed at the drive-through till sunrise._

_ I may have dozed off once or twice. _

_ When I spotted a billboard for Denny's- _

_ Waffles and eggs for half price. _

_ How could I resist such an offer? _

_ I really needed something to munch! _

_ Cheeseburger, please do not get angry! _

_ I'll eat and be back here for luuuuuuuuunch!_

_ Cuz you're my cheeseburger!_

_ My precious cheeseburger! _

_ Be back for you-oo! _

_ I'll be back for you-oo! _

_ Won't be so long, cheeseburger! _

_ My scrumptious cheeseburger!_

_ Be back for you-oo! _

_ Oh, I'll be back for yooooooou!_

_ Because I love you cheeseburger with all my heart, _

_ and there ain't nothin' gonna tear us two-oo apart!_

_ And if the world suddenly ran out of cheese,_

_ I would get down on my hands and knees _

_ to see if someone accidentally dropped some cheese in the dirt! _

_ And I would wash it off for you! _

_ Wipe it off for you! _

_ CLEAN THAT DIRTY CHEESE OFF_

_ JUST FOR YOOOOOOOU!_

_ Cuz you're my cheeseburgeeeeeeeeeeeeer! _

I fell to the ground all tired like, cause, well, I was. I had just sang meh little metal heart out. I think I need a nap. It's time for you to go, readin'-kid. How long have you been standing there, anyway? That's just plain creepy.


	2. Barbra Manitee

**A.N.- When you get seventeen positive reviews for a one-shot that took you an hour to write, you know you have to continue. So here I go!**

Hi there, reading person! Master's gone again, and Piggy doesn't really talk to me anymore - not that he talked very much in the first place - so I guess it's just you and me!

Wow, it sure is boring when master ain't around. There's nothing to do but sit around and watch TV! Oh well, let's go see what shows are on right now! ... Trading Spaces? I haven't seen that one before. I wonder what it's about?... Home decorating? That looks so easy! All I gotta do is find something pretty and stick it to the wall! I can't wait to see master's face when he comes home and sees how pretty I made everything!

I switch off the TV and get up from the couch. What pretty thing should I stick to the wall? What would master like best?

Master! Master always looks so pretty in his invader costumes! I can stick _them_ to the wall! So I run off to the kitchen and I dive into the toilet. I can't wait 'till master sees! He'll love me so much!

The toilet swirlies me down to master's science place, and I run down a hall to master's sleeping room. It Is always locked so that I can't get in, But that's okay! All I have to do is break the door down.

_**BOOM!**_

See?

Master likes to keep all his clothes in his closet hanging from little hooky thingies. I just grab 'em and pull 'em down. Then I run! See me running? I'm running! You can run with me! I go aaaall the way up to the living room so I can make the base pretty!

Yay! Now I just have to put it on the wall aaaaannnnd...

It fell.

Why'd it fall? Doesn't it like to be on the wall? Why's it laying down and being lazy? Oh yeah! I have to stick it to the wall _with_ something! Heh, heh...

What do I use? Chocolate bubble gum is sticky! I can use that! Hee Hee Hee! I keep some in the couch cushion!... Why you looking at me like that?

Here it is! All I gotta do is stick my Master's clothes to the wall...

When I'm done, I just sit in he middle of the room an' look at all the little pink shirts stuck to everything. I wonder what the big-head boy's clothes would look like up on the ceiling? Eh, maybe later. I don't feel like playing Tradin' Spaces no more.

I know! I'll try on one of master's tunics! I wanna be just like him when I grow up. Maybe if I practice being him, I will be a better at it.

There, I've got a tunic on. It's too big! I look like a lady! Hee, hee, hee!

I'm gonna pretend to be master, okay? I'm gonna yell and shout and generally be grouchy, but don't be sad; I'm just pretending.

YOU DISGUSTING HUMAN! I HATE THIS PLANET! YOUR HEAD BUBBLES WITH BRAIN POOP! DIB'S MOM WEARS OPEN TOED COMBAT BOOTS! SKOOL IS NOTHING BUT AN OVERSIZED BRAINWASHING SYSTEM! GLOBAL WARMING IS BECAUSE OF HUMAN STUPIDITY! FARRETS ARE THE WORLDS MOST DANGEROUS ANIMALS! NO GOLDFISH SHOULD EVER BE VOTED PRESIDENT!

What do you think? Did I sound like master? Heh, heh...Actually I was just replaying some recordings I picked up from him before he went to skool this morning. I do that alot when he says something funny.

Imma watch some more TV.

I really wanna watch The Scary Monkey Show, but they canceled it a few weeks ago. I remember when master told me, I got all sad and I was crying so my master let me sit on his lap for a while until I felt better. I don't remember what happened after that, but I think I fell asleep.

Wow, I miss master while he's gone. I wish he was here to watch TV with me and eat my waffles. Maybe I will get into my doggie costume and lie on master's lap! Maybe he will pet me! And then he'll tell me what a good job I did making the house pretty. I like it when master tells me I did a good job, cause it means he likes me more then he does when I'm a naughty little robot. He's so scary when he's yelling...

Oh yeah... I was gonna watch TV wasn't I?

_We welcome you back to the tragic saga of Barbara Manitee in the daytime drama: Endangered Love._

Ooooh, I haven't seen this one before. Be quiet; I wanna hear.

_"Please don't cry, Barbara!_

_You're a nice manitee!_

_You've been so good to me!_

_But I must Go into the world and do nobal things for the good of all!_

_And you can't come because you don't speak French."_

Gasp! My hands touch my mouth in horror. What a mean man! Barbara can't come with him just because she doesn't speak French? How awful! How terrible! And would you quit talking? I wanna see what happens next!

_"But if you leave, Phill, _

_Who will take me to the ball?_

_Who's going to take me to the ball, Phill?_

_I have my new dress and shoes,_

_and new manitee lipstick!_

_Who will take me to the ball?"_

Oh my gosh! She's right!_ Someone_ has to take her to the ball, or she will have gotten new manitee lipstick for nothing! And_ everyone _knows how hard it is to find manitee lipstick nowadays! I can't let that happen!

"I'll take you to the ball, Barbara Manitee!" I cry, springing off the couch.

_"Please don't go!"_

_"I must!"_

_"Don't go!"_

_"I must!"_

_"Don't!_

_"Must!"_

_"Don't, don't!"_

_"Must, must!"_

No! If Phil won't go to the ball with Barbara then I will! I'll sing a song for her! Maybe she will hear me, and she will go with me to the ball instead.

_Barbara Manitee! (Manitee, Manitee)_

_You are the one for me! (one for me, one for me)_

_Sent from up above! (Manitee from above)_

_You are the one I love!_

Now I'm tangoing around the room, pretending that Barbara Manitee is dancing with me. Actually, will you pretend to be Barbara for me? You'll just have to get on your knees so I don't have to reach up so high... Oops, sorry! I'm a little bit clumsy. Heh, heh... back to singing!

_Barbara Manitee!(Manitee, Manitee)_

_I'll be your mon ami!(Mon ami, Mon ami)_

_I'll take you to the ball! (to the ball, to the ball)_

_I hope you're not too tall. (You might have trouble dancing!)_

I don't think she hears me. She's still talking to that "Phil" jerk.

_"Phill, I've learned French."_

_"You have?"_

_"Mais, oui. Je suis Manitee. See?"_

_"Oui, oui mon ami!_

_I always knew you could._

_I really hoped you would._

_Now can we go into the world and do nobal things for the good of all?"_

_"Yes! But first, Phil..._

_Will you take me to the ball?"_

_"... I can't dance."_

My jaw drops.

_"You can't?"_

_"No."_

_"...I must go."_

_"Please don't go!"_

_"I must!"_

_"Don't go!_

_"I must!"_

_"Don't!"_

_"Must!_

_"Don't, don't!"_

_"Must, must!"_

I can' believe it! Phil couldn't dance all along? Oh my gosh! Now I_ have _to take Barbara to the ball! People tell me I'm a good dancer.

_Oh Barbara Manitee (Manitee, Manitee)_

_you are the one-_

_"-_**Gir, master will be home in approximately twenty seconds."** The computer interrupts me.

I shriek in surprise and hide behind your leg.

**"If you want your human friend to live, I suggest you hide them before he opens the door."**

Oh no! The computer is right! We have to hide you... Ooh! Go in the coat closet!... Well, yeah the roboparents are in there, but they're sleeping right now... Just go in! I don't want master to see you!

Master comes in the door looking happy. I love it when master is happy! Stay here and be quiet; I'm gonna go say hi.

"Hi, master! I miss-ed you!" I say as I run up and hug him. I notice that he's wearing an orange uniform instead of a red one. Did he go to skool like that?

"Uh... hi, Gir." He says. Then he pulls my arms off of him and puts me back on the ground. When he does that, it means he's done hugging. But then his face brightens up again.

"Guess what?" He asks me. He has his elbows are close to his body and his knees are bent like they are when he's excited.

"What, what?" I ask jumpin' up and down. The tension is killing me.

"The Dib-sister said that she likes my orange uniform!" he says. "She noticed! And then she punched me in the face, but... She noticed!"

Master starts to dance and make squeaky noises, but then he opens his eyes and sees me in his invader tunic. He stops dancing and straightens up. Uh oh. He looks kind of angry.

"Gir, where did you get that?" He asks me. I hunch me shoulders.

"I wanna be just like you when I grow up." I tell him.

Master sighs.

"I know you do, Gir. Everyone wants to be just like Zim. But don't touch my stuff, okay?"

Uh oh.

Master turns around to go into his lair, but then he sees all the decorating I did, and he gets all stiff.

"Gir... what were you doing while I was out?" His voice is all calm and quiet like it is before he starts yelling.

Oh, I am in sooo much trouble...

"I was playing... Trading Spaces..." I mumble. I think my antenna is drooping.

"Trading Spaces?"

"Uh huh..."

Master turns around and growls at me. His face is all wrinkled and I can see his teeth really well. They are pointy and scary like the end of a spork.

But then he unwrinkles his face and takes a deep breath. I am really, really thankfull to the Dib-sister for putting my master in a good mood. Maybe I'll drop by her house and give her a hug later.

"Gir," Master says "You are going to scrape all of these uniforms of of the wall. Then you are going to wash them, and then you are going to mend them. Do you understand?"

I nod.

"Good. I'm going to my sleeping quarters to take a nap. Don't disturb me."

Master crawls into the trashcan, and the computer lowers him until I can't see him anymore.

I hope master has a good nap. I know a movie he likes, and if he calms down enough, he might let me get in my doggie costume and lie on his lap. I hope he pets me.

Oh! I almost forgot you were still here! Sorry! I think you should go. Master is really cranky right now, and if he sees you...

"GIR, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DOOR!" I hear master scream.

Uh... Bye!

**A.N.- I actually think I like this chapter better than the first one ^^! I'll write **_**another**_** chapter if I get reviews from five different authors. I already have an idea in mind! ^^ **

**So if you love Gir, you will review. **


	3. Where is my hairbrush?

_** A.N: Finally, five reviews! I thought I would never be able to post this chapter...**_

A curtain opens as Gir, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Gir cries out:

_ Oh where is my hairbrush?_

_ Oh where is my hairbrush?_

_ Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where, Oh where, Oh where,_

_ Oh wheeeeeeeeeere!_

_ Is my hair brush?_

Having heard his cry, Nick enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed by the sight of Gir in a towel, Nick regains his composure and reports:

"_I think I saw a hairbrush back there!"_

Gir, overjoyed by the news, resumes singing once more.

_Back there is my hairbrush._

_ Back there is my hairbrush!_

_ Back there, back there, oh where, back there, oh where, oh where, back there, back there_

_ Back theeeeeeeeeere!_

_ Is my hair brush!_

Having heard his joyous proclamation, one of the computer's cameras turns its attention to the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed by the sight of Gir in a towel, the computer regains its composure and comments:

** "_Why do you need a hairbrush? You don't have any hair!"_**

Gir is taken aback. No hair? What would this mean? What would become of him? What would become of his hairbrush? Gir wonders:

_No hair for my hairbrush..._

_ No hair for my hairbrush..._

_ No hair, no hair, no where, no hair, no hair, no hair, no where back there_

_ No haaaaaaiiiir!_

_ For my hairbrush._

Having heard his wonderings, Invader Zim enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed by the sight of Gir in a towel, Zim regains his composure and confesses:

"_Gir, that old hairbrush of yours..._

_Well... you never use it._

_You don't really need it so..._

_Well... I'm sorry! I didn't know!_

_But I gave it to the Dib._

_Cause he's got hair!"_

Feeling a deep sense of loss, Gir stumbles back and laments:

_ Not fair for my hairbrush._

_ No fair! My poor hairbrush!_

_ Not fair, not fair, no hair, not fair, no where, no hair, not fair, not fair_

_ Not faaaaaaiiiir!_

_ My little hairbrush!_

Having heard his lament, Dib Membrane enters the scene. He himself in a towel, both Gir and Dib are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of... each other. Still, Dib did come for a reason, and he intended to fulfill it.

"About that hairbrush." He said, though he was not singing. "Well, turns out I don't need it cause I had one under my bed all along, but... I can't give it back. It was full of gum and now it's stuck to my head."

Indeed, as Dib turned his head to the side, Gir could see his precious hairbrush clinging to the back of the human's skull. Simply unable to break such an intimate relationship, he decided.

"That's okay! You can keep it!"

"Uh... thanks, Gir..."

Yes, good has been done here. Dib exits the scene. Gir smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment to the hairbrush, calls out.

_Take care of my hairbrush_

_ Take care, oh my hairbrush!_

_ Take care, take care, don't dare not care, take care, nice hair, no fair, take care_

_ Take caaaaaaaaaare!_

_ Of my hair brush.!_

_ 0)0)0)0)_

It is a lovely skool day for everyone. Everyone except for Dib, that is.

"Still have that hairbrush stuck to your giant head, Dib-smelly?"

Dib scowled. "MY HEAD'S NOT BIG! And you knew this would happen when you gave me the thing, didn't you?"

Zim was snickering too hard to answer.

A.N. If I get three more reviews, I'll post a christmas chapter! Yummy cookies to all who can guess which song I will use! ( read between the lines of this AN for a hint)


	4. Oh Santa!

_**AN. Yeah, I know it's a little late for a Christmas chapter but if you think about it, I wouldn't mind reading a Christmas story anytime of year! Cookies to all who guessed what song I was going to use.**_

Gasp! I'm glad you came! I'm waiting for Santa! You wanna wait with me? Maybe he'll have something for you too, if you've been good. Here, have a cookie. I made them for Santa, but you can have one.

Do you like it? Master says I've added too much molasses. Oh I hope Santa doesn't mind!

Yeah, ever since last year when my master accidentally turned himself into Santa, he's been on the naughty list. He's so naughty, that Santa doesn't even bother to bring him coal. He just skips over our house altogether! It makes me sad, though, cause it means I must be on the naughty list too.

But not this year! I've been extra careful to be good and do everything that my master tells me to do. I made waffles without soap, I scare-ed the big head boy away, I gave my master his tools when he asked for them, I delivered a bouquet of flowers from my master to Gazzy, and then I delivered a punch in the face from Gazzy to master!

I've been a very good sir unit.

I wonder what Santa will bring me. Maybe it will be a new doggie costume? I hope it's orange. I like green but sometimes I want to be orange. With a big shaggy tail and fur that droops over my eyes so I can't see anything. It would be so much fun to look like that! Hee, hee!

Ahh! Bless you! What a sneeze! Do you need a tissue? I'll go get one for you.

Here you go! Are you sure you should be up and around when you're sneezing like that? … Just a little cold? Ah, I get it. Humans get sick a lot in winter. That's why master is still in his science room- he's afraid to catch an Earth disease, so he's just gonna wait out the whole winter down there. At least it means that we don't have to worry about him coming up and seeing you while you're here.

Oh I hope Santa gets here soon! I hope he likes my cookies! And maybe if I ask nice enough, he'll bring a toy for master too. Master is such a good invader. I think he deserves something nice.

I feel like singing. Do you feel like singing?... No? Well that's too bad. I guess I'll sing by myself, then.

_Oh, Santa!_

_ I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come!_

_And I have cookies! Three yummy cookies!_

_ Just for you for when you come, oh yeah, for you for when you come!_

_Because it's Christmas!_

Gasp! There's a knock at the door! I got it! I got it! I wonder who it is?

_ Could that be Santa? Could that be him? _

_Could it be the one who brings presents for a SIR unit like me?_

_ A good SIR unit like me?_

When I open the door...

_Creak..._

... Santa isn't standing there. It's just a really skinny man wearing a Santa hat. He looks kind of shady...

"Hey wait a minute, you're not Santa!" I say " You're just some dude in a Santa hat! Who are you?"

The man grins and starts to sing

_I'm a bank robber! _

_ And I've come to rob your bank, oh yes, I've come to rob your bank!_

_ And I've come to take your dimes and steal your nickles._

_ So stand back and step aside you silly puppy! And let me in!_

Uh oh. It's a scary man! He's gonna take all of my master's monies! But... it's Christmas. We're all supposed to be nice on Christmas. I guess I'm gonna have to be the better person.

_ I'm not a banker..._

_ I have no bank, my robbing friend,_

_ but I got cookies- three yummy cookies_

_ And I don't have nickles, _

_ but please take this, my robbing friend! Eat one of these, my robbing friend!_

_ They are for Santa, but you may have one._

Well that's good. The bank robbers face got soft and happy, and now he is eating my cookie. He doesn't seem to mind the extra molasses. I'm glad that I made a new friend! But I still can't wait to see Santa!

"Hey mister bank robber?" I ask. "We are waiting for Santa. Would you like to wait with us?"

He swallows. "Sure! You all seem nice enough, and you make yummy cookies!" After he says that he pops the rest of the cookie into his mouth and smiles. I step aside to let him in out of the cold.

_Oh Santa!_

_ I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come!_

_ And I've got cookies- two yummy cookies!_

_ Just for you for when you come, oh yeah, for you for when you come!_

_ Because it's Christmas!_

_ I'm a bank robber!_

_ I came to rob your bank, oh yes! I've come to rob your bank!_

_ But you shared a cookie- a yummy cookie._

_ Though I'd love to steal your dimes, perhaps another time_

_ Because it's Christmas! _

Wow, bank robbing man sure can sing! Why are you looking at us like we tha- Hey! Another knock at the door? Yay! More friends! I'll go get it! Hee hee!

_Could that be Santa? Could that be him?_

_ Could it be the one who brings presents for a SIR unit like me?_

_ A good SIR unit like me?_

It is Santa! It has to be! Who else would it-

_ Creak..._

Oh woops. Nope, this ain't Santa. He's way too short, and I don't think Santa would ever wear such a scary hat!

"Who are you?" I ask him. He makes a mean face and shows me his yucky teeth.

_ I'm a viking! _

_ And I've come to take your land, oh yes! I've come to take your land!_

_ And I've come to burn your crops and steal your horses!_

_ And I'm gonna... step on your chickens! _

_ And soil your quilts! _

Oh no... he wants to hurt my chickens! And I worked really hard on that quilt. It was gonna be master's Christmas present... Maybe I can change his mind by being nice!

_I don't have land..._

_ I don't have crops, my viking friend,_

_ But I've got cookies- two yummy cookies!_

_ And I don't have horses,_

_ But please take this, my viking friend! eat one of these, my viking friend!_

_ They are for Santa, but you may have one._

The viking man snatches the cookie off the place and gobbles it up all yucky like. He got crumbs all over master's clean porch! Then he pushes me aside all rough, and I fall on my bottom. He goes inside and closes the door.

_Slam!_

Owie. Now my bum hurts...

Hey! That viking left me outside and he closed the door! Ahh! Let me in, let me in! It's cold out here!

_ Creak..._

Phew, thanks for opening the door. I was afraid I would be here all night and master would get worried about me. What do you think would happen to a robot if he was left in the cold too long?

Sigh... Well back to waiting for Santa. Wow, I'm cold now. I wish we could start a fire, but then Santa would get cooked and we'd all be on the naughty list for sure. Can I sit on your lap?... Yay! Mmm you're cozy.

Okay, okay, I'm gonna keep singing now.

_Oh Santa! _

_ I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you come!_

_ And I've got a cookie- A yummy cookie!_

_ Just for you for when you come, oh yeah, for you for when you come!_

_ Because it's Christmas!_

_ I'm a bank robber! _

_ And I've come to rob your bank,oh yes, I've come to rob your bank!_

_ But you shared a cookie- a yummy cookie._

_ Though I'd love to steal your dimes, perhaps another time._

_ Because it's Christ mas!_

_ I'm a viking!_

_ I came to take your land, oh yes, I came to take your land!_

_ But you shared a cookie- a yummy cookie._

_ Though I'd love to soil your quilts, I don't think that I wilt._

_ Because it's Christmas!_

Yay! I'm so happy right now! I'm surrounded by friends and a viking, and we're all singing and having fun! We should do this more often, I think. If it's okay with master, we can- Oh! Another knock? Maybe it's Santa this time! Don't worry, I got it.

_ Could that be Santa? Could that be him?_

_ Could it be the one who brings presents for a SIR unit like me?_

_ A good SIR unit like me?_

Maybe it really is-

_Creak..._

nope. It's not Santa. It's a guy in a fancy business suit.

"Helloooo?" I say.

The man doesn't say hello. He starts singing.

_I'm from the IRS!_

Ooh, master told me about them.

_And I've come to tax your-_

I slam the door.

Back to singing!

_Oh Santa! _

_ I can't wait for you to come, I just can't wait for you to come-_

Uh... something is moving in the fireplace. It's big and red and- and it's Santa! Oh my gosh it's Santa! It's Santa! OH MY GOSH!

_It's finally Santa! It's finally him!_

_ It's the one who brings presents for a SIR unit like me!_

_ A good SIR unit like me!_

I'm so excited I could explode! I'll try not to though.

Santa smiles at us and starts to sing.

_I'm Santa!_

_ And I've come to bring you gifts, oh yes, I've come to bring you gifts!_

_ And I've come to stuff your stockings oh ho ho ho!_

_ And I've come to... jiggle my belly. And wiggle my... nose._

Santa looks around the room smiling, but when he sees he bank robber and the viking, his smile goes away.

"Hey wait a minute!" He says. "Isn't that my belt?"

The viking looks down at himself, and I can see that he's wearing a belt. Is it Santa's?

"And what are you doing with my hat?"

Oh yeah. The bank robber is wearing Santa's hat, isn't he? Now Santa looks mad. He's making angry eyebrows at the bank robber and the viking. "So you're the ones!" He says.

"Wait a minute, I can explain!" says the bank robber.

"We've changed!" says the viking.

"Nobody messes with Santa! You know that, don't you! You've been very naughty! And I've got a list!

The viking and the bank robber run out the door, and Santa chases them. His face looks as red as his suit.

So now it's just us... and Santa didn't bring me any presents. Sniff... Am I on the naughty list after all? But I tried so hard! Now I'll never get the orange doggie costume I wanted! I wanna be good! Sniffel, snort... WAAAHHH! Aaaeehhh... whimper...Sniff... I shouldn't be crying. I had lots of fun with my friends today. Sniff.

At least we still have one cookie left. Do you want to break it in half and share it?

_Creak..._

I jump and hide behind your leg when the door opens and lets all the coldness in. The IRS man is coming in the house again, and he didn't even knock first. He just comes right in and points at the cookie you and me were gonna share.

"Did you claim that?" He asks.

"Sniff_... _what?" I ask.

He doesn't say anything after that. He just takes the cookie and leaves.

"M-merry... Christmas?" I call after him. I don't think he heard me because he just closed the door and left. I can see him walking away in the window.

Now we don' even have cookies. And it's too dark and cold outside to play. And... and... WWWAAAAAAHHHHHH...!

"Gir?" I hear master shout. His voice is hard to hear because he's in his lab, so we have to be quiet . "What's going on up there?"

"SANTA'S GONE, MASTER!" I say real loud so he can hear me.. Then my voice starts to get all cracky because I remember how sad I was. "HE WAS CHASIN' THE BANK ROBBER AN' THE V-VIKING AWAY, A-AN' NOW I'LL NEVER BE ORANGE! WAAAAAHHHH!"

WWAAaaah! Sniff, snivel... I have to be quiet. I have to hear what master is saying.

"... Okay Gir, it's time for you to go to bed. Come down here!"

**Everything within my vision radiates crimson. "Yes sir!" I say,** and then it gets all blue again.

You should probably go now. I'm kinda sleepy, and you might miss Santa coming to your house if you don't hurry... Good night. Sniff_._

_**AN. Next time we're going to have a little fun with Gir in therapy. But I want five more reviews first! If Gir is going to get the help he needs, you better press the happy little button below!**_


	5. I Love My Lips!

_**A.N. Tired of waiting? Wondering if I died? Well wonder no more because I'm here to tell you that I DID die, but I'm better now. :)**_

Greetings, human! It is I, the mighty Zim! Who is perfectly normal! Ah, am I not who you were expecting? You thought it would be Gir knocking on your door, didn't you? Heheheh... Well, I have a reason for coming.

Don't dawdle- there is no _time_ for you to bask in my glory! We have much business to discuss!

Ah, I see you are wondering why I came... knocking on your door... while I should be in school... asking for help... What? No! Nononononono, I am not asking for _help_! I just came to ask for your... _assistance_. Yes, that's it. Assistance.

Well it's... it's about Gir. You know, Gir my dog? Well, he's... um... he's been acting strange lately, and having nightmares. Oh it's awful! He sleeps in my room like lots of dogs do, you know? And he squirms and writhes and clutches his face, and then he wakes up screaming and puts his paws over his mouth!

What? Oh. Eheheheh... Well he doesn't _scream! _He, uh, he howls. Yeah, that' it. He howls, because dogs don't scream. My dog is normal. Like me.

Anyway, so I decided to get him in to a therapist you know?... You mean dogs don't go to therapy? Well... mine does! Yes! He's, um, a special breed that... you know. Needs therapy.

So anyhow, Gir is afraid to go because he doesn't know the shrink or how the whole thing works, and he said he "wants his human friend to hold his hand." I'd do it myself, but they don't want his "guardian" in there while they're doing the session. Something about abuse? I dunno.

I can only assume you were who he meant because of all the times you came over and played with him... how did I know? BWAHAHAHA! You didn't really think my security system couldn't pick you up, did you? Ahahaha, silly human.

You'll do it? Excellent! Get in the voot- I mean car! Yes, this is a perfectly normal floating car. Nothing weird about that at all. Now in! In-in-in-in-in-in! No, no, no, that's the driver's seat! Get in on other _other _side! Yes, I _know_ the driver's seat is supposed to be on he left in America. This is a... _German_ perfectly normal floating car!

What do you mean the seat is weird? It's not weird! It's a perfectly good seat! Just spread your legs when you sit on it like your riding a pig. Or Earth-horse. Whatever you normally ride. And there's no seat belt, so don't bother looking for one.

Are you finally settled? Took you long enough. We're supposed to meet Gir outside the shrink's, and if we're a minute late, it'll give him a heart attack. Here we go.

… Stop that.

...Quit it!

...STOP POKING ME! You are not worthy even to brush your bony digit against the almighty Zim!

...AAARRGGGG! If Gir didn't need you, I would destroy you right now! Just-... sigh. Sit down and be silent until we get there.

There, see? Here we are, and there's Gir waiting outside right where I left him. Yes, yes, wave to him as much as you want, but he's too occupied blowing bubbles to notice you.

"Gir!" I call, and he snaps to attention, stashing the bubble wand and bottle away in is head and running towards the voot. I told him when I left that I was going to get you, so he probably wants to greet you. He runs right up to you and raps his little arms around your legs.

"Hi!" He says predictably with the slight southern accent that he puts on when he's being particularly stupid. "The shrink's gonna mess with meh head!"

"Yes he is, Gir." I tell him, but he's too busy hugging your legs to pay attention to me. What's that? No, he probably won't let go anytime soon. Heh, heh, heh... "C'mon, it's time to go inside. You have your human friend now, so you have no excuse to put it off any longer!"

Gir tightens his grip (He might break your legs if you move, so don't try) and shakes his head "Nuh huh! I need meh piggie! What if Doctor man tries to eat us? We need da piggie to beat him up!"

"No!" I shout. "No piggie! We go in now!"

"NNOOOOO!"

"YEEESSSSSS!"

"NOOOOOO!

"YEEEESSSSSS!"

"B-but master!" blubbers the robot. I can see little tears forming in his eyes, something that had always confused me. "What if he does try to eat us? What then?"

I shake my head and shift my weight. How can Gir be so dumb? Rescuing is standard procedure! Ugh. Just another thing I'll have to spell out, I guess. "If something happens that you can't handle by yourself, you shout a codeword, and I'll come and beat the doctor up for you, okay?"

"Really?" Gir's face lights up, and there's no sign the tears were ever there. "You would be a hero and rescue us?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Release the human and get in the building before I drop kick you in there all by yourself."

So fast you could have missed it if you blinked, Gir leaps away from you and to my side, reaching his hand out as if he expects me to hold it. Instead I stuff my hands in my pockets, and start walking. Gir is quick to follow.

The moment I place my foot onto the road, Gir pulls me by my shirt back into the parking lot. "You gotta look both ways first!" He says. "Or you'll get squished!"

Right. I forgot about that. Good Gir. I look both ways before I continue.

"Okay, Gir." I say to him in my kindest voice. "Do you remember what to do?"

"I go in."

"Yes."

"I lie on da couch."

"Yes."

"An' then I tell the doctor everythin' that bugs me."

"But nothing about the mission, Gir." I tell him firmly. I'm well aware that this whole plan could backfire because Gir could let something slip, but I'm also aware that the shrink will be the only one to hear. And I'm confident in my ability to track him down and wipe his brain. I still want this to work, though.

"Okay." He says.

When we get in the building, the first thing I do is hold out my hand to Gir. He knows what I want. He takes his leash out of his head and attaches it to his costume before he hands the other end to me just like I trained him to do. And we walk into the building.

Apparently this type of place is supposed to be comfy. There's a couch and two super fluffy chairs, all set around a tiny little coffee table. And I can see Three little potted plants standing in the corners looking all bright and happy. They emit earthy smells that make my skin crawl.

And across the room at the desk is a freakishly happy lady. I really can't tell how her face can make a smile that big, but I guess it's better not to dwell on it. I walk up to the desk and hold Gir's leash very close to me so that he doesn't touch anything. For all we know, this stuff could be covered in horrible poisons.

"Why hello there!" Chirps the annoying human woman. "Do you have an appointment?"

The answer is yes, but I really don't like to answer stupid questions. After all, who could forget a call from THE ALMIGHTY ZIM! Instead I tilt me head downwards and give her a look that makes her very nervous. That's good because she_ should_ be nervous; she's annoying the future ruler of the human race.

Suddenly the cheery human bursts into tears and runs away, crying like Gir on a rainy day. I feel Gir hide behind me as if frightened by the noise. And although, I approve of her reaction of my terror-inducing might, I don't know what to do next.

Thankfully a human man sticks his head out from the hallway and sees us. Then he steps out of the hallway towards us.

"Ah, you must be Mr. Vasquez." He says, addressing me by the fake name I had given him over the phone. "And this must be Gir. How are you doing today, Gir?"

I twist my neck and look down at Gir, who is still hiding behind me. But when he hears his name he steps up to observe the human.

"Who are you?" He says.

"My name is Nameless Doctor. You can call me Nate. Are you ready for your first session?"

Gir looks up at me with obvious fear in his eyes, as if asking for command or confirmation, anything to tell him what to do next. I provide one with a nod, and give Gir a little more leash to run up to the human, but he doesn't. He just stands there looking at me. He must be scared about being left all alone.

I kneel to his level. "Your human friend is gonna be with you, okay? And I'm right here. Just shout the codeword if the doctor turns on you, and I'll come get you."

Gir takes a few steps toward me and hugs my arm. "What's the codeword?" He asks in a quiet voice. "Can it be piggie? I like piggie."

"Yeah, okay, fine. Piggie. If the doctor gets scary and tries to hurt you, shout piggie. Can you remember that, Gir?"

Gir nods, and I take the leash off his costume and put it in my pak. "Be good." I tell him. He nods at me again and reaches slowly for your hand.

I watch as you and Gir follow the human into his little room of terrors.

* * *

I'm glad master went to get you, cause I'm really scared. He said the shrink was gonna fix my head. But what if he does it all wrong? No one's ever out their hands in my head 'cept for master and the tallest. I may never be the same, and then no one would love me anymore!

Master said I was s'posed to lie on the couch. Well there's the couch, so I'm gonna go lie on it. I'm not tall enough to take up the whole thing, so you can sit next to me.

The doctor man closes the door and sits down in a plastic chair. He picks up a clipboard from the floor and puts it one his lap. Then he smiles at me. "Alright Gir. Mr. Vasquez told me you've been having nightmares. Is that true?"

I don't know who Mr. Vasquez is, but he must be smart cause I really have been having bad dreams. "Yeah." I say. "They really scary."

Nate nods his head. "Would you like to tell me what they're about?"

Would I? "No." I say. "They my own personal head scaries."

Nate makes a sound with his breath that master makes a lot when he's talking to me. It makes me smile cause I think it's funny. "Please, Gir?" He says. "I can't make the nightmares go away unless you tell me what they are. So could you at least tell me why they're so scary to you?"

Well if he's gonna make the scaries go away, I guess I can tell him. "In my dreams, my lips go away."

"Your... lips go away." He says right back to me. I think it's funny cause that's what I just said. But now that I'm thinking about my bad dreams, I'm not happy enough to smile. I make a breathing sound too.

_If my lips ever left my mouth,_

_packed a bag and headed south,_

_That'd be too bad._

_I'd be so sad._

"I see" says Nate. "That'd be too bad, you'd be so sad?"

_That'd be too bad._

_If my lips said "Adios!_

_I don't like you; I think you're gross."_

_That'd be too bad._

_I might get mad._

"That'd be too bad, you might get mad?"

_That'd be too bad._

_If my lips said "too-da-loo,"_

_Left a mess and took my tooth_

_That'd be to bad. _

_I'd call my dad._

"Hold it!" Nate says loudly, and it makes me jump. "Did you say your father?"

I nod. My daddies are the tallest, cause they built me.

"Fascinating! So what you're saying is if your lips left you...?"

_That'd be too bad,_

_I'd be so sad,_

_I might get mad,_

_I'd call my dad,_

_That'd be too bad._

_"_That'd be too bad?"

_That'd be too bad._

Nate looks at his clipboard, at all the words he wrote while I was singing. He turns it this way and that way, and then he puts in back down on his lap and looks at me. "Why?" He asks.

"Because I love my lips!" I tell him. Nate turns his head to the side and looks at me funny.

"Oh dear." He says. "This is more serious than I thought. Gir, what so you see here?" When he asks me that he lifts up a picture of a black blotch. Where did he get that? I didn't see it before.

"Um... that looks like a lip." I tell him. He puts the picture down and picks up another one.

"And this?

"It's a lip."

"And _this_?"

_It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip, lip, lip!_

_It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip, lip, lip._

_It's a lip, it's a lip, it's a lip, lip, lip._

_LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPS, lip, lip, lip!_

Finally Nate runs out of pictures, and he puts them down on the floor. Ha hee hee hee! His face looks even funnier than before!

"Gir, tell me about your childhood." he says.

I settle back on the couch. I don't think I'm scared anymore. This is fun!

_When I was just two years old_

_I left my lips out in the cold._

_And they turned blue._

_What could I do?_

"Your lips turned blue, what could you do?"

_Oh they turned blue._

_On the day I got my tooth._

_I had to kiss my great Aunt Ruth_

_She had a beard. And it felt __**weird.**_

"She had a beard and it felt weird?"

_She had a beard._

"Oh. Oh my."

_Ten days after I turned eight_

_I got my lips stuck in a gate._

_My friends all laughed._

_And I just _stood-there-until-the-fire-department-came-and-broke-the-lock-with-a-crowbar-and-I-had-to-spend-the-next-six-weeks-in-lip-rehab-with-this-kid-named-Oscar-who-got-stung-by-a-bee-right-on-the-lip-and-we-couldn't-even-talk-to-each-other-until-the-fifth-week-because-our-lips-were-so-swollen-and-when-he-did-start-talking-he-just-spoke-Polish-and-I-only-knew-like-three-words-in-Polish-except-now-I-know-four-because-Oscar-taught-me-the-word-for-lip: _Usta_!

Nate's pencil is moving so fast across his clipboard that smoke is coming up and making everything smell funny. OOOH HA HA HA! Look at his face! L-look at his face! H-he's HEE HEE HEE! When he finally looks up, his eye is twitching.

"Your friends all laughed... _usta_." He says. " How do you spell that?"

"I dunno." I tell him.

Nate shakes his head and looks at his clipboard for a long time before he looks back at me. _"_So what you're saying is that when you were young...?

_They turned blue, what could I do?_

_She had a beard, and it felt weird._

_My friends all laughed...Usta!_

_"..._I'm confused." says Nate.

"I LOVE MY LIPS!" I scream. Now I am jumping up onto his lap and grabbing at his collar so I can shake him. "I LOVE MY LIPS, I LOVE MY LIPS, I LOVE MY LIPS!" I shake him and shake him and then I do a back flip onto the couch.

I don't wanna lie on da couch anymore! Now I wanna play! Jump with me! C'mon! The couch is bouncy! Yay! Hee hee hee!

"H-hey!" Says Nate, standing from his chair really, really fast. "Stop! Don't do that!"

"I can't hear you!" I squeal and put my paws over my flappy doggie ears. "Looby dooby shaboobie nooggie doogie ai ai ai la la la laddie da kasloogie galiscarlacablikah!" Even though I can't hear him, I can see Nate yell at us and wave his hands around like crazy spider. We do a good job of ignoring him though.

"WEE HEE HEE!" I laugh. "IGGIE BALIGGIE KASLIGGIE PIGGIE!"

Even though I'm covering my ears, I can still hear the door break into a million pieces, and master comes in on his big, sharp Pak legs. His wig has fallen to the floor so I can see his feeler thingies, and he is wrinkling his face like a mean kitty, showing all his scary teeth.

Nate screams. And I laugh. And I hide behind the couch.

Master jumps at Nate and they crash to the floor. I can hear Nate screaming and master yelling at him. Yay, go master! Go Go Go! Bring on the pain! You is number one!

Suddenly master's claw grabs me by the scruff of my neck and he lifts me up from behind the couch. Then he sets me on his shoulders, and I hold his feelers so I don't fall off. "We're going home now, Gir." He says.

"Wait!" I shout. My smile is so big my face hurts, but I don't want to stop. "What about the humans?"

"They can walk home!" master says, and he points four of his Pak legs at he ceiling to blast a hole through the roof. The noise makes me excited and I bounce up on top of his head.

While master's Pak legs are climbing us up and through the hole, I turn back down so I can wave good bye. Sorry we're leaving without you!

When master is done climbing out of the roof, he slides to the streets on his Pak legs. I see people watching us with big open mouths and I wave hello at them. Then I look at master.

"I'm sorry, master." I tell him.

"Eh?"

"The doctor man didn't try to hurt me. I just said piggie because I wanted to."

Master's yelling while he goes. "Why would you do that Gir? You made me risk my cover! I had to wipe the human's mind!"

Most of the time when master yells I get scared, but now I feel like I am on happy gas, and I can't stop bein' happy. "Sorry." I giggle, and a hug his feeler thingies. They are soft like kitty tails.

Master snorts and keeps moving. Heh, heh, that's funny cause he don't have a nose to snort with. "Fine, Fine. Whatever." He says. " Did it work though?"

"What work?"

"The therapy thing. Are those nightmares gone?"

"I dunno." I tell master. " I think so."

Master does a huffy breath thing and sucks his extra legs back into his Pak so that he's short again. Then he takes me off his head and puts my leash on me. People on the street are still watching us with big mouths. Why are their mouths so big? Are they trying to catch flies? I can catch flies too! Aaaaahhhhhhhgggg... Ew, I got some drool on my zipper...

"C'mon," says master, and I make my mouth be closed. "I dropped my wig back at the shrink's place, so we'd better get to the voot BEFORE WE'RE NOTICED!"

I smile and nod and we run really, really fast. The people watch us go.

_**A.N Next chapter we'll be going to the zoo with Zim, Gir and Scoodge. Anyone who's willing to bet a review that Scoodge will be eaten by a hungry animal review and say "I"**_


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